He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
