its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
where are my eyebrows?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
