I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
