there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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