I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
