Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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