Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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