like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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