i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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