i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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