I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
