Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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