:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
