The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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