Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
