she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
