i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Dicks are not precious.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
