it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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