I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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