god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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