just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
