you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My cat gives me a boner
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
