I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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