you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
