Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
