Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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