You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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