You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
