and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
