I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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