dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
