matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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