I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm gonna fight the coyote
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
