I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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