Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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