His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
