matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
