mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
