Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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