She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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