Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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