so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
