I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
