halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
