Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
