My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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