I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
