What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
