Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
