you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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