One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?