please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to