Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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