You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
