I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
