Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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