We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
